Saturday, 6 April 2019


An incident actually was breaking my just gained calm.

A lady in age around 40 , she was before me in waiting list. She came out from the room and break in tear. Keep calling someone in the other side of phone, sobbing. Can’t hear clearly but I know it was about her ultrasound test.
My half smile faded to quarters, and then it was gone within moments. Panic came from no way , start to pray to God.
  “Oh dear God, I’m still young I have lot of big ambitious in my life. There was still lot of goal in my life, there were so much of beautiful things that I had never see in my life. God please hope it was just nothing bad on me.”
A nurse came with a gel. She squeezed small amount of gel on my breast . The gel was warmed. 
“Now we will start the ultrasound ” gently radiographer lifted a tool and place on my breast.  
The gel act as lubricant so ultrasound tool and move smoothly. I can felt the tiny frequency ….wavelength ..ect,  penetrated my tissues. I was holding my breath (I know breathing will not disturb the ultrasound, I think is a kind of auto reflect  of me when I’m being too nervous.) Looking at the black and white monitor , she explain to me with a clam voice, but not really calm me. 
The location of ALIEN was detect and its size 1.7cm." My eyes focus on the black shadow image appeared on the screen for quite moments. Until the nurse wipe off the gel on me .
“1.7cm ???  I need a ruler”
“One day , there were 2 stranger (doctor and radiographer )touching on my boobs. No…its 4 peoples including the nurse and radiographer  assistant”
“Oh man , wake up . Please tell it is a dream , it wasn’t true. Felt like want to bang my head on wall.”
All this wasn’t the point I should worried. The result will be done by tomorrow. What a long half day to wait, a long half day which I will think nonsense.


That night I can’t sleep, insomnia. In dark , I was with my phone.
“Benign Fibroadenoma Breast” the keyword of my searching for whole day long. I even Google how the operation remove the lump, it kind of scare me.

I dint tell my parent , because I worry that they worry.
When they worry and it will make me more worrry.
When they tell other, other worry and I will be more stress.
YA.. exactly what I expected when I told them the next day.

Let me briefly explained the flow......

They will be shock and worry,and kind of upset. Mum always cried. 
“Mum stop being drama , I still alive, not yet pass away. This wont make me die anytime soon”
My mum started to blame me to not having good lifestyle, not drink water, not much of fruit intake, sleep long hours….bla bla. Mindset for every typical Asian mom, the reason of kids get ill was all related with low water intake and play phone. 
“MUM , It wasn't related at all.”
Announcement to the world. “Pray of my daughter” New status update in Facebook. It was kind of headache when her friends will commented below like keep strong , and all comment sound like I m in critical condition which will be gone anytime soon. My phone was ringing all day long, message notification everyone was sending my good luck or some kind of wishes.

Pray and religion related. According to TAO believe , all the bad luck can kick away if I pray with sincere. I can do that , but not packed my holiday schedule with praying and temple visit.

I was the patient , and I was the victim for the situation too. I decide to pay a visit to Doctor Lee, my dad surgeon  which gained his highest respect and believe. A word from doctor did eliminate their extremely thinking / worry , beat thousand of my words (shits).



Good question. Doctor did suggested me alternative and not to hurry up the surgery. Regular self check up and ultrasound follow up every 3 months, to monitor the grow. Some people tend to keep it for the rest of their life. The condition totally no applicable for me. My little baby grow in speed from the size of pea to fish ball size , which “overwhelmed ” me. 

I tried to survey the operation cost  from few private hospital, range RM3000 - RM10 000.  Not that private hospital provide better surgery or better doctor, but they arrange time within week. While government , it took me months to only check up, collecting sample , not yet arrange for operation, referring specialist doctor . I understand my benign grow wasn’t urgent to remove. Think in my shoes, imagining you are carrying a grow on your left breast walking around , which u never know what will happen next. 

Still remember I was a happy go lucky person, but this matter did tortured me mentally. I slimmed down a lot, my weight reduce for 2 kg within week.

press to ( Continue PART 3 )